Wednesday, 21 December 2011

Ghost of You

I keep repeating this song today. Just found it randomly. I read the lyric and felt that it almost same with what I feel right now. I like this part :

And I'll never be like I was
The day I met you
Too naive, yes I was
Boy that's why I let you win
Wear your memory like a stain
Can't erase or numb the pain
Here to stay with me forever
and


One of these days
I'll wake up from this bad dream I'm dreaming
One of these days
I'll pray that I'll be over, over, over you
One of these days
I'll realize that I'm so tired of feeling confused
But for now there's a reason that
You're still here in my heart
Gosh, I feel so gloomy just because of that chat. Maybe that's why I think that this song is really represent me.

The Winner!

Never mean to arrogant, this is because I'm so happy. Last month I won two book quizes! One from Primadonna Angela, the author of Belanglicious and Resep Cherry. I won her newest book, Satsuki Sensei (with my name inside!). Then I won a review quiz from Atria, the young-adult publisher because I review one of their book, Prada and Prejudice.
Then, this month, TODAY, I win a pashmina from @hijabersmalang, Twitter account of hijabers malang community. Actually I'm the one of their member, but I win not because of it (I'm not sure they know me well).
Photo's later. I must prepare it all so you know that I'm soooo happy with it! :D

Monday, 19 December 2011

The Chat!

Too much sadness, too much tears, but that's the part of growing up. People teach you how to face the world. Just like me. When you're falling in love then you break up. Then you fighting with your ex, then you befriend with them again. You try to build back those relationship but they wont. Then you accept it and you enjoy it all. You shout out loud that you've move on but you're not. You realizing that you're still in the same place. Stuck. You still hoping that your ex would come back and say love you again. You sing the melody that you happy for them when they find a new relationship but in the deepest of your heart you crying.

This is really happened to me. I thought that I've move on. But I wake up and asking my self, what is move on exactly? What a fool, I don't know it. I thought that I forget and forgive him. But I'm still feel that heartbeat when he called me, when he texted me, when I met him. I screamed when I saw his picture with his new GF.

Just like Inception, I save the deepest memory about us. I thought that he forget it all. But I knew, he's not. It's proven by chat this morning between us :

Him : where are you now?
Me   : at my boarding house. why?
Him : don't you go home?
Me   : nope. I'm just went back home twice a week.
Him : that sounds great.
Me   : great? I'm tired..
Him : oh, so you have tired too?
Me   : that sounds sarcasm :S
Him : :)

That means a loooooot for me. Why? We broke up because he felt that I was too busy, seems like I didn't have tired. He felt that I couldn't make a time for him, just us two. I tried. But sometimes I really enjoy my rush. With that oh so you have tired too sentences means that he still remember my habit, my passion, the reason why we broke up. And that :) means that he hide something about us FOR YEARS! From this, I know that I didn't know him much. He looks like he don't care with anything. He looks like he don't wanna think about it. He looks like he forget it all. But he's not....

Saturday, 3 December 2011

#DearPapa - a letter to the Guardian

Sabtu, 3 Desember 2011

Dear Papa,
Papa lagi apa? Pasti sedang menonton TV sambil menunggu sms dariku kan? Maafkan aku tak pandai berkata-kata untuk sms denganmu. Bukannya aku tak sayang lagi padamu, atau mengabaikanmu. Aku hanya bingung dengan diriku sendiri. Aku bingung bagaimana menyampaikan perasaan sayangku padamu.

Papa, aku yakin Papa kangen banget sama aku dan Mama.
Aku juga, Pa. Aku kangen banget sama Papa. Tahukah, Pa? Mama juga kangen sama Papa. Meskipun kalian sekarang tak lagi bersama, percayalah, cinta Mama sebenarnya hanya untuk Papa. Tapi keadaan lah yang memaksa begini. Dan aku bangga dengan kalian, karena bisa melewati ini dengan baik, dan masih menyimpan cinta itu. Cinta yang tumbuh tiga puluh tahun yang lalu. Cinta yang melahirkanku.

Papa, ingatkah?
Ketika kita bertiga pergi bersama, membeli buku bahasa Inggris untukku. Aku menangis sambil menggenggam buku cerita bergambar yang kumau, tapi tak diperbolehkan Mama. Kau kesal, lalu mendorong tubuhku dengan kakimu agar berdiri, tapi aku menganggapnya sebagai tendangan? Aku tak marah, dan maafkan aku yang salah paham. Aku masih ingat lho, judul buku itu. The Wizard of Oz.

Papa, aku masih ingat.
Betapa kau menyayangiku. Sayangmu padaku begitu besar. Setiap pulang dari Jakarta, kau membawa banyak hadiah untukku. Dan kau berikan padaku secara berkala. Aku menganggapnya sebagai kejutan tiada habisnya. Seakan koper Papa adalah kantong ajaib Doraemon. Yang setiap saat menyimpan berbagai kejutan dan hadiah untukku. Kau tahu dulu aku suka Sailor Moon. Kau hafal aku dulu suka Westlife, sampai sekarang. Aku juga ingat ketika aku menginap di kantor Papa dulu. Aku tidur di karpet, di bawah meja komputer. Dan kau menjagaku semalaman. Ketika pagi menjelang, kau ingatkan aku untuk meminum obatku. Obat yang kala itu tak boleh absen kuminum, untuk mengobati jantungku. Syukurlah, berkat doamu, aku sembuh, dan bisa berlari tanpa takut sesak nafas lagi.

Papa, masih ingat juga?
Ketika Papa mandi, dan aku mengira Papa akan pergi. Aku berdandan karena aku kira akan kau ajak. Memang aku diajak. Tapi ternyata Papa mengajakku pergi tidur. Aku marah. Aku merasa kau bohongi. Aku menangis hingga tertidur di kamar Om Wid. Juga ketika Papa sedang istirahat dan aku bermain di mobil. Tanpa sengaja mobil berjalan sendiri dengan aku masih di dalam sendirian. Aku yakin kau cemas.

Papa, aku juga masih ingat,
Ketika aku sakit, kau menjagaku di sampingku. Memijat kakiku, berharap panas tubuhku menurun dan aku berlari ceria lagi. Tertawa dan memelukmu lagi.

Papa, begitu banyak kenangan antara kita.
Tapi entah kenapa, aku tak bisa sms lebih dari sekedar membalas "Pagi, papa" setiap pagi. Aku seketika terdiam, tak bisa merangkai kata, untuk bercerita padamu, bagaimana aku sekarang. Aku ingin mengunjungimu. Tetapi keadaan di sana yang mengurungkan niatku. Aku tak ingin ada pertengakaran, Pa. Dengan orang yang menemanimu sekarang di rumah.

Papa, percayalah.
Sebenarnya aku menyayangimu. Sama seperti aku menyayangi Mama. Aku hanya tak pandai menunjukkannya.

Papa, ketahuilah.
Aku ingin menemuimu. Aku ingin memelukmu. Aku terus berdoa supaya Papa lekas sembuh. Bisa berjalan tanpa tongkat lagi. Bisa menggerakkan tangan lagi. Dan aku ingin bertemu kedua kakakku. Aku ingin bisa akrab dengan mereka, Pa. Aku tak peduli dengan masa lalu Papa, mereka dan aku. Aku ingin mereka menganggapku adik. Semua sudah berlalu. Aku ingin mereka dan aku berdamai. Karena bagaimanapun, darah Papa mengalir dalam nadi kami. Dan aku selalu berdoa untuk itu. Kalaupun mereka belum menerimaku saat ini, aku siap kapan pun mereka mau menerimaku. Aku siap memeluk mereka dan memelukmu juga, Pa. Kapan saja.

Papa, I Love You. Aku bangga memiliki namamu di nama tengahku.

Your daughter,
Dhita